ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My mother-in-law recently moved in with us after a very (thankfully) minor stroke. She has NO savings, and up until that point she was working sporadically just to keep a roof over her head and food in her belly.

If I may backtrack back to the no savings ... For the past 30 years, she has literally laid in bed and watched TV all day after her husband left her. She would occasionally pick up a job but always lose it within a few months. She eventually moved in with her mother, who floated her until she passed away. Over the course of this time, I desperately tried to get her in contact with different agencies to put her into housing and have her set up with health insurance counseling. She never took any of the advice given and instead just squandered everything while running up tremendous credit card debt, both for her and her mother. The only reason she ever saw her three grandkids (our kids) is because we always bought her plane tickets. Otherwise, my children would not know her. In hindsight, maybe that wouldn't have been the worst thing.

Back to the present day ... She is now in our house and her 20-year-old car is having issues. I told her that putting her money from her Social Security checks into fixing this car is just a losing proposition and she just needs to take our city's bus. It is a clean and safe way to get around. She said she would rather die. She would never qualify for a car, and I think she's hinting around that we could buy her a cheap little car. In the meantime, her Amazon packages are delivered to our house pretty frequently, and she is shopping for furniture.

We have sat down with her and we take a portion of her Social Security every month and put it away for her. Like a child. She burns through the rest.

She has been treated for depression, and I'm sympathetic to that, but at what point do you stop being sympathetic and remind someone they are responsible for their own decisions?

I'm just so tired of her problems becoming our problems. We have three kids, and we're trying to save for college and invest in their future. I feel like I'm raising her, too, as she is just so needy and irresponsible. My husband agrees that she is a huge burden but is about to cave on buying her a car, as he thinks she would drive us too crazy if she didn't have one. I am so opposed to rewarding her for being such a loser and burnt out on helping this woman. I resent her so much, which is not the climate I want in my house. My teenage son senses the tension and stress it is causing me. But I can't throw her out because she would literally be homeless. Help! -- Getting Grifted by Grandma

Dear Getting Grifted: You're not wrong to feel frustrated and resentful from having to deal with the consequences of someone who spent decades avoiding responsibility. It sounds like you've already set some boundaries, such as setting aside some of her Social Security, but they need to be much stronger.

Your husband should also understand that giving in to the car request for short-term peace will only lead to more demands down the road. Today it's a car, but what will it be tomorrow? Next week? Next year? Simply put, if she wants to waste her own money, she needs to feel the consequences of it.

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Annie Lane's second anthology -- "How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.