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DEAR ABBY: My oldest daughter, "Alexa," is breaking my heart. She's engaged to a nice enough man she's been with for five years, but she has cast aside every single wedding tradition that's important to us.

Alexa won't wear an engagement ring because diamonds are "ugly" and not politically correct. She has refused to have either an engagement party or a bridal shower. Because they are forgoing a registry, my friends have no idea what to get them for wedding gifts. (Turns out, none of my friends are invited to the wedding -- only their friends and family.) She also refuses to have a bridal party, so her sisters are hurt because they wanted to be bridesmaids.

I was so looking forward to shopping with her for her bridal gown, but she doesn't want to wear one. (She bought a plain white dress instead.) Worst of all, her father can't walk her down the aisle because, in her words, she's not property to be given away. There will be no reception -- just champagne and wedding cake in the basement of the church. There's no wedding dinner, not even appetizers, and no wedding toasts. There won't be a first dance because there's no band.

I understand that she watched her younger sister turn into a bridezilla, but her sister did have a gorgeous wedding that we paid for. We're willing to pay for hers too, but she and her fiance are refusing to do ANYthing we want. They are both doctors and can pay for whatever they want. Her father is ready to stay home rather than be ignored, and I'm not sure I want to be there either. How do we navigate this without alienating our daughter? -- RUINED WEDDING IN NEW YORK

DEAR RUINED WEDDING: You and your husband navigate this by reminding yourselves that Alexa's wedding is hers, not yours. You have already had two weddings -- your own and your younger daughter's. Comfort yourselves with the knowledge that you and your husband can spend the money you would have blown on this shindig on a luxury vacation for yourselves.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think about some relatives who asked to come and stay with us while they relocated to our state, and brought a handgun and ammunition into our home without our knowledge? We have a 7-year-old daughter! They don't think they did anything wrong and claim they were not obligated to inform us because it was locked and the ammunition was stored apart from it. -- THREATENED IN OREGON

DEAR THREATENED: From what you have written, your relatives practice gun safety. Their weapon is locked, and the ammunition is stored separately. I will assume that your child did not find or handle their weapon. That said, NO ONE has the "right" to bring a gun into someone else's home without their permission. If your relatives can't immediately find other lodging, they should check what the Oregon gun laws are and consider storing their weapon away from your house in the trunk of their vehicle.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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