Dear Anna,

I'm a 31-year-old man in a relationship with my girlfriend (29) for three years. Last week right after we’d had sex, she told me she'd been really turned on earlier that day because a guy at her gym had been flirting with her pretty heavily. She said it like it was just a fun, sexy confession, like she thought I'd find it hot or something. But I completely shut down. And honestly, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. The idea of being with anyone else doesn't excite me at all. And the idea of HER being with someone else even less. I'm not a jealous guy, and I trust her. But her confession really rattled me. How do I understand this difference between us? Is this normal, or does it mean something about our relationship that I'm missing? And how do I get this out of my head so we can move forward? — Feeling a Little Unexpectedly Bothered

Dear FLUB,

Well, that was a … miscalculation on her part. Your girlfriend tried to share something that turned her on, (probably) hoping you'd be turned on by it too, that you could share in this mild kink with her. She misread the room spectacularly. Right after sex, when you're both vulnerable and connected, was not the moment to bring up another dude’s attention. No wonder you shut down.

Here's what you need to understand: Feeling desired by others can be a big turn-on for some people, even when you’re in a committed relationship. It's not about wanting to act on it or questioning the relationship, it's more like getting a little ego boost that then channels back into their primary partnership. Think of it as “I still got it, and I'm bringing this energy home to you.”

For her, it might have felt like sharing a bit of good news, particularly if she’s contending with some insecurity of her own (which most women are). A kind of, “Look, people still find me attractive, isn't that neat?” (Evidently, I picture your girlfriend as talking like a 1950s sitcom.)

But! It bombed. Because you don't operate that way. For you, outside attention doesn't register as arousing. You're not turned on by being wanted by others — you're turned on by the person you've chosen. Neither response is wrong or bad; they're just different.

The problem isn't the difference itself, it's that she assumed you'd share her response and brought it into your intimate space without checking first. That's the conversation you need to have.

Talk to her outside the bedroom, when you're both calm and stress-free. Try something like: “I've been thinking about what you told me the other night. I know you were trying to share something sexy with me, but it had the opposite effect. It made me feel confused/shut down/angry/whatever. When you brought up another guy being into you right after our sex, it pulled me out of our connection rather than deepening it. Can we talk about why you wanted to share that?”

Then, listen to her answer without judgment. She might say she thought it would make you feel proud or possessive in a sexy way. She might say it made her feel more confident. Understanding her intention matters.

Then share what you told me: That you experience attraction differently than her. That outside attention doesn't turn you on the way it does for her, and that's OK. And that you need your intimate time to stay about you both — not gym bros.

Here's where it gets nuanced: talking about fantasies and turn-ons can be a fun and hot way for couples to deepen intimacy. It builds trust and keeps things exciting. But not all fantasies land the same way for everyone, and you might genuinely not want to hear about other people finding her attractive. And that's a valid boundary too.

So maybe spend a little time processing how you might feel about sharing fantasies down the road and when, once things have calmed down a little.

This gives you space to figure out if this is something you can get comfortable with over time, or if it's genuinely a hard boundary for you. Some people find that sharing these things becomes hot once the initial shock wears off. Others discover it's just not their thing, and that's fine. The key is not deciding in this moment when you're still feeling raw about it.

This doesn't mean she can't feel good about being desired. It just means she needs to understand that what feels like sharing excitement to her feels like distance to you.

TLDR: It makes sense to feel rattled. You're discovering a compatibility thing you didn't know existed. But different turn-ons don't mean incompatibility.

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