Dear Anna,

I'm a 39-year-old man, married to my 36-year-old wife for 11 years. Last month I discovered she'd been having an emotional affair with a coworker that lasted about three months. When confronted, she admitted she hasn't felt attracted to me for over a year and that she's never really felt that "spark" with me, even though we've always been best friends who laugh together and rarely fight. She says I'm objectively attractive but just not to her anymore. She's agreed to couples counseling (which I'd been asking for), says she wants to save our marriage, but also says we're not emotionally or sexually compatible. We have two young kids, and I'm devastated because I still think she's amazing and nothing about me has changed — I'm actually in better shape now than when we met. How do I process her saying she was never really attracted to me while also trying to rebuild our marriage? Part of me wonders if we should even try. — Questioning Everything

Dear QE,

Your pain is entirely understandable. The person you've loved for over a decade just shattered your understanding of your relationship, and you're supposed to somehow pick up the pieces and rebuild? The crush of that revelation — that she was never truly drawn to you — almost cuts deeper than the affair itself.

But here's what I need you to hear: Her lack of attraction isn't a verdict on your worth. Attraction is mysterious, irrational and sometimes painfully absent even when everything looks perfect on paper. This isn't about you not being enough; it's about compatibility being more complex than we want it to be.

First, give yourself permission to grieve. You're mourning the marriage you thought you had, the woman you thought loved you completely, and the future you'd imagined together. That grief is sacred. Honor it, feel it, let it burn through you so that it doesn’t consume you entirely.

Now, the hard truth: You cannot rebuild a marriage on the foundation of hoping she'll suddenly find you irresistible. That's not how desire works, and trying will destroy what's left of your self-esteem. Instead, focus on whether you can build something different — perhaps a partnership based on deep friendship, shared values and commitment to your family.

This means getting brutally honest about what you both need to feel fulfilled. Can you accept being deeply loved and respected without being sexually desired? Can she commit to physical intimacy even when the spark isn't there, or would that feel hollow to both of you? Are you open to exploring a more open relationship model? Some couples thrive in companionate marriages built on profound friendship, whereas others wither without passion. Neither is wrong, but you need to know which camp you're in.

Consider the hard questions: Would you rather have a marriage where you're genuinely wanted by someone who chooses you daily, even if the butterflies are gone, or does the absence of that spark make everything else feel like settling? Can you find peace in being her chosen partner versus her irresistible obsession? And crucially, can she find genuine contentment in a marriage she's building rather than one she fell into?

My pressing question is: Are you talking about this in therapy? I hope you are. In counseling, you can dig deep into what emotional and sexual compatibility actually means to both of you. Maybe her idea of connection differs drastically from yours. Maybe the spark she craves isn't just about physical attraction but emotional intimacy she feels is missing. Don't assume you know what she needs — ask her to show you.

Together, explore what your new marriage contract might look like. Does it include regular date nights to cultivate romance? Scheduled intimacy? Open communication about when one of you feels disconnected? Some couples find that removing the pressure to feel “natural” attraction actually allows space for intentional desire to grow. Others discover they need the organic spark to feel genuinely connected.

The question isn't whether this arrangement is “ideal,” as that answer will vary from couple to couple — it's whether it's enough for both of you to build a life you don't spend years resenting.

I’d also recommend you start individual therapy. You need a space to process the blow to your self-worth without trying to fix your marriage at the same time. You need to rediscover who you are outside of being her husband, the man who deserves to be genuinely desired, not just tolerated out of obligation.

While there’s no correct way to be in a partnership, your children need parents who model healthy ways to be together, not ones who stay out of fear and duty while slowly resenting each other. Sometimes the bravest thing isn't fighting for a marriage, it's knowing when to fight for yourself instead.

Either way, you deserve someone who looks at you and feels lucky to have you in their life.

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