Dear Anna,

I’m a 35-year-old woman currently in a relationship with a wonderful man (44) who has a complicated family situation. He shares custody of his young daughter with his ex-partner, who has a history of emotional abuse and manipulation. She actively tries to drive a wedge between him and his daughter, fights every single parenting decision, and tells all manner of lies about him to his daughter. This upsets him greatly—it upsets me too!

Whenever he has to interact with the ex—whether it’s during drop-offs, phone calls, or even just discussing co-parenting issues—he tends to shut down emotionally, sometimes for days. It’s like a switch flips, and he becomes distant and withdrawn.

I understand that dealing with an abusive co-parent can be incredibly draining, and I want to support him, but I often feel helpless. I’ve tried to encourage him to talk about what he’s feeling, but he often brushes it off or says he doesn’t want to burden me with his problems. I worry that this emotional distance is affecting our relationship, and I’m not sure how to navigate this situation without pushing him away further.

What can I do to help him cope with this while also ensuring that our relationship remains strong? Is there a way to encourage him to open up without making him feel pressured? Should I just back off and let him deal the way he wants to deal?—Feeling Like A Stuck Third Wheel

Dear FLASTW,

That’s a really tough spot to be in. Navigating a relationship with someone who has an abusive co-parent can be incredibly complex, and it’s understandable that you feel concern, frustration and helplessness.

Know this: When he shuts down after interactions with his manipulative ex, he's not rejecting you—he's trying to survive. These moments of distance are his way of processing pain too raw to articulate, too complex to unravel in the moment.

It’s a protective mechanism, and even though it feels personal, it’s not. It’s a response to a difficult situation that he may not yet know how to manage. (And might not for a long time, depending on how young is daughter is.)

While he may not want you to actively comfort him during these times, there are still ways you can support him while also nurturing your relationship:

Take a break: Your presence can be more powerful than words. When he retreats, don't chase. Let him know you're there, unwavering, without demanding he expose his vulnerabilities. Sometimes, simply sitting in the same room, offering a gentle touch or a quiet cup of tea, speaks volumes. Feelings pass. He’ll come back to you when he’s ready. Alternatively, if he asks for space, then give it to him. Grab a book or journal or move your body and do some self-soothing of your own.

Encourage professional support: Gently suggest that he consider talking to a therapist. Professional help can provide him with tools to process his feelings and cope with the emotional toll of co-parenting with an abusive ex. You can frame this suggestion positively, emphasizing that seeking help is a sign of strength and a step toward healing. You might say, “I think it could be really helpful to talk to someone who understands what you’re going through.” He might not go for it, but the invitation is what matters. You could also talk to someone yourself about what you’re going through and the effect it’s having on you and your relationship. Doing so yourself might encourage him to take the next steps he might need.

Find compromises: Have a conversation about your needs and connection during a time he’s not shut down. Your emotional well-being matters. It's OK to express your concerns and to articulate how his distance impacts you. But do so with tenderness: "I love you, and I want to understand. Can we find a way to stay connected, even when things feel overwhelming?"

Engage in shared activities: Sometimes, the best way to connect is not through talking but through shared experiences. Plan activities that you both enjoy—whether it’s cooking a meal together, going for a hike, or watching a favorite show. It allows you to spend time together in a low-stakes, low-pressure way.

Practice patience: Healing isn't linear. And parenting, even in the best of situations, tries the saintliest among us. Some days will feel like two steps forward, one step back. That’s OK. Your consistent, non-judgmental love is the most profound support you can offer.

Remember, you're not just supporting a partner—you're standing beside a father navigating the complex emotional landscape of protecting his child while healing from his own past trauma. Your love can be a part of that powerful, transformative force.

This journey will test you both, but it will also reveal depths of resilience and connection you might never have imagined. Stay patient. Stay compassionate. Stay connected.

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