Dear Anna,

I've been with my boyfriend for eight months, and overall, things are great. He's kind, funny and a dedicated teacher. The issue? When he's not working, he's gaming — sometimes six or seven hours a night. I don’t mind that he has a hobby, but it bugs me that he devotes nearly all of his free time to it. I don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend, and this isn’t a deal-breaker (yet), but I do feel neglected and a bit judgmental about it. It’s not like I never waste my time — I could stand to be on my phone a lot less, but still, it bothers me. Is there anything I can do to get more of his attention without making him feel like I’m trying to change him? — Grappling with A Major Entertainment Obsession, Very Exhausted & Resentful

Dear GAMEOVER,

Let’s start with some real talk: Six to seven hours a night is a lot of gaming. That’s not a hobby; that’s almost a full-time job with no paycheck. I completely understand why this bugs you — when you’re in a relationship, you want quality time together, not just the occasional nod from across the room while he’s slaying pixelated dragons.

But before you go sharpening your pitchfork, let’s talk about why he might be so immersed. For some people, video games aren’t just entertainment — according to peer-reviewed research, they can be a coping mechanism, foster social connectedness, and act as a stress reducer, as well as a way to enter a flow state, that beautiful mental zone where you’re totally engaged, focused, and in the moment. (There’s actually a great TED Talk on this by Adam Grant about playing Mario Kart if you want to dig into the psychology.) In short, gaming might be giving your boyfriend something deeply fulfilling — just, unfortunately, not in a way that involves you.

The key to these emotional and psychological benefits, however, is moderation, which your boyfriend is lacking.

That said, in every relationship, there are going to be things about our partner that drive us bananas. The question we often pose when faced with these banana-isms tends to be “How do I fix this?” but a better question is “Can I live with this?” Every long-term relationship involves tolerating something (often several somethings): a weird fixation, an aversion to washing dishes, a dog that hates you, or — yes — a gaming habit that verges on obsession.

A few questions to consider going forward:

Would this bother you as much if the hobby were something else?

If he were reading Thich Nhat Hanh six hours a day, or volunteering at an animal shelter, would it still feel like neglect? If yes, then the core issue isn’t what he’s doing—it’s how absent he feels from your relationship.

Have you told him, plainly and directly, how you feel?

Not passive-aggressively (“Wow, must be nice to have that much free time”) but honestly. A simple, “Hey, I love spending time with you, but I feel like I come second to your gaming. Can we talk about this?” goes a long way.

Is there room for compromise?

Maybe he scales back a few nights a week, or you find a way to spend time together that fits into his world. Ever tried co-op gaming? Or, if games aren’t your thing, set up designated “us time” before he disappears into his digital lair.

Also worth asking: What isn’t he doing?

Because that much screen time means something else is getting neglected — whether it’s cooking real meals instead of surviving on Hot Pockets, exercising, cleaning his house, or investing in your relationship. Even the most time-consuming hobbies need balance, and if he’s consistently choosing virtual worlds over real-life connection, it’s not just about gaming — it’s about priorities. If he can’t make time for the basics of self-care, where does that leave you?

And, the kicker: Can you live with this, long-term?

If he’s a good partner in all other ways — attentive when he’s not gaming, present when it matters — this might be a habit you tolerate as part of the overall package. But if you’re constantly feeling ignored, and he’s unwilling to meet you halfway, that’s a different conversation.

At the end of the day, relationships aren’t about finding someone perfect; they’re about deciding whose quirks and habits you can live with. If this one is just a mild irritation, you might be able to work around it. But if not? Well, then it might be game over for you, GAMEOVER.

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