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Dear Eric: I told my husband I was done in our marriage during a marriage-counseling session close to nine months ago. This was our second round of marriage counseling. I have also done some therapy on my own. I have not taken any actions to indicate I'm done other than to occasionally remind my husband that I'm the one that wants out when he thinks things are harmonious.

He won't move out because he believes marriage is forever and he doesn't want our teenage children to think he is deserting them. I don't feel like I should move out because I bought the house before we were married. His name is not on the title nor hardly any of the utilities. He never even changed his address on his driver’s license.

We have never fully been united. Before our first round of marriage counseling six years ago, I filed for divorce. After counseling, I dismissed the case hoping things would get better.

Our issues have nothing to do with infidelity, drugs, alcohol or money.

A recent conversation that left me a bit dumbfounded was my husband's suggestion that I should honor his sister who passed by being forgiving of past things my husband did that he thinks I'm holding against him, because his sister would have wanted that.

I know what I should do but cannot bring myself to do it. I wish he'd recognize some marriages do not last forever.

– Wants Out

Dear Wants Out: Knowing what you should do and having the wherewithal to do it are two separate things, so don’t be too hard on yourself. It sounds like your husband has some manipulative tendencies, which may also be complicating your marriage and your desire to end it.

Even if you don’t file right away, please talk to an attorney so that you have a full understanding of what your options and rights are. The laws of the state you live in will have an impact on the disposition of the house, for instance.

Your husband knows things aren’t harmonious and it’s disingenuous of him to act otherwise. This also makes it harder for either of you to move forward in your relationship. If he believes marriage is forever, he needs to be committed to finding the solutions to make forever work. If he can’t or won’t, then forever needs to look different.

Dear Eric: I suffered a curable illness I was unaware I had. A symptom of the illness was anxiety. I was acting very differently with anxiety after never having it my entire life. My wife left me since I was such a different person, not being the calm strong person I always was but stressed out and worried.

After she left, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with the illness. I was sure she would reconcile with me once she found out I had the illness. Instead, she said I was using it as an excuse and never spoke to me again. She has been doing all she can to punish me. She is trying to take my daughter from me and has had me jailed for emailing her asking her to stop this.

Is it OK to punish me like this for an illness I had no idea I was even suffering from? It was completely curable, and I am back to who I was before the illness, but my wife doesn’t believe or understand.

– Doing Better Dad

Dear Dad: I’m glad you were able to get help for your illness and I’m glad you’re back to your old self. Anxiety can be incredibly hard to manage and can manifest in a variety of ways, both physical and mental. I empathize with the confusion and fear this must have caused you.

You’re right that no one should punish you for having an illness. But without knowing more about the rest of your relationship, it’s hard to say if there were other issues at play that have kept your wife from reconciling. But she has set a boundary and the best thing for you is to accept it and turn your focus toward being present for your daughter.

If you can, please talk to a lawyer about your custody arrangement so that your rights are protected, and you have an advocate who can direct you to the proper channels for communication. Being jailed over an email suggests perhaps that there was a restraining order in place already. If that’s the case, make sure you’re not violating the order or putting yourself, your wife or your daughter in danger.

You’ve navigated a hard health crisis and come out the other side. Though it did not salvage your marriage, it is not too late to be the kind of father you want to be.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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