ArcaMax

... continued from above

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say It's Just That Way"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate.

"Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."

"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to." ...Read more

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork...Read more

- Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

- One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, ...Read more

Ground floor opportunity

-Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

Progressive company

- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team player

-Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities

Upbeat personalities

-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug ...Read more

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts...Read more

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive ...Read more

What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?

The Arrrmy... no, the Navy, he's a pirate!

Where do pirates dream of raiding?

Parrrrradise!

Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment.

The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.

Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I ...Read more

We went three weeks and a day without a working dishwasher. And then when we finally got a repairman in, he fixed it in five minutes. When I asked him what the problem was, first he blamed the soap. ... Then he blamed me.

"The dishwasher sensed an excess of soap in the bottom of the unit," said Larry the dishwasher repairman.

I stared at the...Read more

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFreak you!

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Continued below...

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear ...Read more

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said, “Hello.”

The other one thought, “I wonder what he meant by that?”