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Kids Books You'll Never See, part 4
... continued from above
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say It's Just That Way"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
Under the Wagon
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate.
"Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."
"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to." ...Read more
If Restaurants Functioned Like Tech Support
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork...Read more
Women's Profound Sayings
- Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
- One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, ...Read more
What The Job Ad Says; What It Means, Part I
Ground floor opportunity
-Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
Progressive company
- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
Team player
-Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities
Upbeat personalities
-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug ...Read more
Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts...Read more
Dangerous Dihydrogen Monoxide
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive ...Read more
Yet Another Pirate Joke
What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
The Arrrmy... no, the Navy, he's a pirate!
Some Vague Thoughts
Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS
Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment.
The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.
If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.
Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I ...Read more

Greta Lee Wants to Rip Jodie Turner-Smith's Clothes Off 😳 The Graham Norton Show | BBC America
The Taylor Swift method of singing while running on a treadmill didn't work for Greta Lee (Tron: Ares), but she still managed to find a way to have abs for the first time ever!

Sen. Bernie Sanders - Harnessing Energy From "No Kings" Rally to "Fight Oligarchy" | The Daily Show
“It’s got to be a bottom-on-up revolution, not a top-down.” Senator Bernie Sanders sits down with Jon Stewart to discuss his latest book, "Fight Oligarchy." They talk about harnessing the energy of the "No Kings" rallies to build a clear vision for the Democratic party, prioritizing universal healthcare and affordable housing expansion, ...Read more

First Lady Melania Trump Is Getting More Comfortable In The Spotlight
America's notoriously private First Lady has been popping up everywhere lately. Here to explain her sudden surge in visibility is Mrs. Melania Trump herself! Thanks as always to our dear friend Laura Benanti, for no particular reason.

Kirsten Dunst Gave Jesse Plemons Hair Advice for His Bugonia Role
Jesse Plemons talks about his grandmother having a shrine of him in her antique store, him and Kirsten Dunst's kids being unimpressed with their Like Mike and Spider-Man roles and working with Emma Stone and Aiden Delbis in the film Bugonia.

Oscar Issac Performs His Six-Year-Old’s Original Song
Oscar Isaac talks about starring in Guillermo del Toro's Frankenstein and working with Jacob Elordi on the movie, then performs "Damn Tour," a song he co-wrote with his son for their band, Fleece.

You Think I'm the Beast? - Saturday Night Live
The Beauty and the Beast realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Aired 10/17/09
Ding, Dong, the Dishwasher's Dead
We went three weeks and a day without a working dishwasher. And then when we finally got a repairman in, he fixed it in five minutes. When I asked him what the problem was, first he blamed the soap. ... Then he blamed me.
"The dishwasher sensed an excess of soap in the bottom of the unit," said Larry the dishwasher repairman.
I stared at the...Read more
Expressions For High Stress Days, part 9
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFreak you!
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Continued below...
Diagnosis
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear ...Read more
Too Much Analysis
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, “Hello.”
The other one thought, “I wonder what he meant by that?”