ArcaMax

Still working from home and loving it?

There's a word for people like you. The word is "old."

You're old because when you started your career the only way to do your job was to do it in an office. Today's young people -- the dreaded Gen Z and the like -- could choose to work from home. And not wanting to spend their days in the adult detention center that is an office, the youngins' eagerly embraced the option.

Of course, if being shackled to a desk doesn't appeal to young workers, it's catnip to the executive class, who have lately begun forcing their remote work force back to the office.

Surprisingly, some young workers are welcoming the order to Return to Office (RTO to its friends.) Or so I learned in "Working From Home Is Harming Young Employees. They're Starting to See That," a Noam Scheiber article in "The New York Times."

According to the article, a team of economists found "younger workers suffered career-wise by working from home, receiving less training and fewer opportunities for advancement."

These are not trivial matters. Companies are so upset at the sad level of training in their young and remote workforce, they are taking a drastic step -- deciding to hire older people.

Hiring older people! It's a world gone mad.

If a return to the office is in your future, I have five strategies that can help you see your fate in a positive light.

No. 1: Where You Sit is Where You Stand

In Zoom, everyone is equal. By mapping which of your co-workers sits closest to your manager, you'll know exactly who you will have to climb over or crawl under to get the promotions you deserve. Conversely, if your desk is stuck in the outer reaches of Maintenance, don't despair. Attaching a simple extension cord to the building's electrical distribution system could provide enough juice to start your own A.I. data center. Ka-ching!

No. 2: Perks Galore

No question, companies have cut back on the lavish perks they once provided for office workers. No more free lunches, free dinners and free Power Bars in between. This doesn't mean there aren't opportunities to save money and make money, too. The duck a l'orange may be gone from the company cafeteria, but bologna sandwiches are always available in the break room fridge, assuming your co-workers bring them into work. (Pro Tip: When looting the fridge for co-workers' lunches, the Marketing department has the best cuisine. Plus, they're so busy thinking out of the box, they'll never figure out who is ransacking the refrigerator.)

While office cuisine has taken a downturn, office supplies are still available and rather scrumptious, financially speaking. Locate the supply cabinet and stock up on pens, paper clips and printer cartridges. All can be resold on the dark web for beaucoups crypto, deposited to your hot wallet in the Bahamas. Tell them Sam Bankman-Fried sent you.

No. 3: Rat Out Remote Workers

Not everyone will rush back to the office. This makes a bunch of sitting ducks, sitting at home, easy targets for your gift for rumor mongering. Feel free to invent the nastiest gossip imaginable. Remote workers are defenseless against responding to secrets whispered over cubicle walls. Your willingness to "go the extra mile" in sabotaging work friends is the kind of commitment management rewards.

No. 4: Just Say "No"

When you're in the midst of the action, you'll be the first to see problematic assignments coming down the pike. When you glimpse a can't-win project, buttonhole your boss and recommend a competitor who is reluctant to return to the office. Explain how their desire for remote work makes them the perfect choice to head the company's outpost on Pitcairn Island.

"It's a thousand miles from anywhere," you explain. "They'll love it!"

No. 5: Welcome to The Schmoozefest

On your first day back, drop in on HR and ask if there are any training programs you can take. After the HR people pick themselves off the floor, they'll love you forever. Bring cookies to Customer Service and give them tips on how they can keep customers waiting on the phone even longer. (Pro Tip: don't bring cookies to IT. They'll bite your hand off.)

It will take grit and determination to survive the hostile environment of an office, but do your best to suck up to your managers and put down your co-workers and you might save your career.

If it doesn't work out, there'll always be a place for you on Pitcairn Island.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at info@creators.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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